When I started writing again I thought it was just because of the kids birthdays, but now I'm thinking it was my subconscious warning me of what was to come.
I've felt myself slipping back over the last couple of weeks, and I've tried hard to fight it off. I've spent time with friends through girls night, play dates and even made a trip to Richmond to help one of my best friends get ready for her twins. I've tried to sleep and eat well. I've tried to do lots of fun activities with my kids. None of it worked.
So, today, here I am, in the hole that is a depressive episode. My first one in a year.
I'm pretty sure I've been dealing with this for most of my adult life, but over the last two years, I've taken it head on. And it's weird, because it kinda feels different this time. Having gone through a long dark period and come out of it, having had an entire year with no more than a crabby day or two, I can look at this one and know what is going on. But, I still feel powerless against it.
I know that what is going on right now is due to my neurotransmitters and synapses being off.
I know that I have two amazing kids and a husband that love me very much.
I know that I am a good mother.
I know that I have lots of family and friends that enjoy who I am, and who love and support me.
I know that, depression-wise, I could be in a lot worse shape, and that my case is pretty mild.
I know that, overall, I have a pretty good life.
Right now, I just am having a really hard time believing these things. Right now, I am short tempered and tired. Right now, I cry a lot. I feel like there is a giant heavy blanket on me, like at the dentist, and I can't take it off*
Fortunately, the most important thing I know is that this is temporary. I don't know how long it will last, but I do know it will go away. At some point (in the not-so-distant future), I will believe these things again. Until then, I'll just keep plugging along. I wandered the mall for an hour this morning, just so Austin could ride the train. I'll take Abby to Little Gym tonight. Tomorrow is Halloween, so there will be plenty to keep me distracted and focused. I'll put on a smile for my kids, and eventually, it won't be a fake one.
* I have to credit Valerie for this description in her blog. It it so accurate, I couldn't think of any other way to describe it. On that note, another blog I've read a bunch that also has a lot of great posts on this subject is The Bloggess. I highly recommend both, not just for their tales of depression and anxiety, but also for their humor and other entertaining reads. I've learned so much from reading these ladies, I can only hope that my sharing can help someone two.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Who needs words when you can run and climb?
I'm going to attempt posting from the ipad, so if things look weird, I apologize.
When we last left off this whole blogging thing a year ago, I talked about Austin's speech picking up and that he was really starting to build his vocabulary. Which he was, but most of his words were in "Austin language" and not the actually words. For instance, there were several variations of "Da" which meant anything from down to done to ball. The variations were consistent between words, so we counted them. Abby was Ay-yah and book was buh. We didn't really think much of it because he was consistent and he was still young.
But, time went on and those words started to run together and most importantly, he lost, "Ay-yah." Momma, Dada, uh-oh, done and (oddly) tickle were the only words he used on a consistent basis. There was always babbling, but Austin lost interest in assigning his babbles to any meaning. Coincidentally, around this time there was a boom in his physical abilities. He was running, climbing, running and tumbling. He had also gained a lot of fine motor skills and he was able to open doors and pretty much do and get whatever he needed to do. He didn't really need to talk, and he was pretty good at using motion and sounds to get across his points when he needed too.
We figured he would just be a late talker, but since Abby was always so verbal, it was hard not to compare. Everything I read said not to worry about things until he was two.* Around 20 months Dan said enough, call the doctor. I also had a friend whose son was dealing with apraxia,** so I called the doctor. While he was hesitant, and told me there was absolutely nothing mentally wrong with my son, he gave me a referral to speech therapy, saying "if Mom is worried, I should trust Mom."***
Off to speech we went. They did an eval and basically said it was just a developmental delay. Also, they said he's stubborn and much more interested in doing things by himself than having anyone help him. For the first four months, I kinda felt like I was wasting my money. The therapist would play toys with him and try to get him to mimic her. Basically, I paid $35 for someone else to play with him (the exact same way I did) for 30 minutes. Somewhere towards the end of the second month, Austin finally "got" the concept of talking and communication. PROGRESS!!! Still no more words or sounds, but he was rearranging the sounds he did know to better communicate his wants and needs.
I kept bringing up apraxia, grasping for some explanation as to why my kid still wasn't talking. However, since there was obviously no gross or fine motor delays they wouldn't go there.**** The best explanation they could come up with (other than the whole independence, ie. stubborn, thing) was all of his ear infections. He had a bad string of infections, even after the tube surgery, that occurred right around the time most kids are learning their basic sounds (B, P, M, D and vowels). He had Momma down and was pretty good with D sounds, but he couldn't get B, P or most vowel sounds.
Fast forward to 2 or 3 weeks ago....he's finally getting it. He has pretty much mastered B and P, though he's still not combining them with a vowel, and he is growing his M usage. Today he had his official speech evaluation (apparently this can't be done until 2 at the earliest, which really makes me feel like I wasted money the last four months) and he did pretty well. He tried all the sounds asked of him, and even said 2 new ones (N, W). The speech therapist has officially ruled out apraxia, as his speech mistakes were consistent.*****
So, that's where we stand. He's picking up a new work every few days now. (This week it's been Pop and something similar to Tick-tock Crock) He also loves to fill in a word or two when reading favorite books- particularly Max, claws and hot from Where the Wild Things Are. He's also started trying to mimic tone changes, which really helps us figure out what he's trying to say. Most of all, he seems proud of himself and his new skills. At his two year check his doctor said some kids don't hit their speech surge until between 2-2 1/2. Until then, we'll just keep working on it!
*Try telling my husband not to worry. Have you ever met him?!?
** I don't know a ton about it, but it's a condition where a child has difficulty forming sounds. Usually there is some motor delay involved as well.
*** This is why I LOVE our pediatrician. We go to a large group practice and initially I was turned off because I had somehow gotten on the track with the old men doctors and they made some mistakes. Then, thanks to Austin having a cold on the weekend, we found out current doctor. I see other people in the practice, but when I need advice, he's my go-to.
**** A child has to be 3 to get an actual diagnosis, but often times at 2 there is suspected apraxia and they can begin treating them.
***** Apparently a child with apraxia will be very inconsistent when forming sounds. They know what the sounds is, they just have difficulty grasping a hold of it and mix up sounds and letters.
We figured he would just be a late talker, but since Abby was always so verbal, it was hard not to compare. Everything I read said not to worry about things until he was two.* Around 20 months Dan said enough, call the doctor. I also had a friend whose son was dealing with apraxia,** so I called the doctor. While he was hesitant, and told me there was absolutely nothing mentally wrong with my son, he gave me a referral to speech therapy, saying "if Mom is worried, I should trust Mom."***
Off to speech we went. They did an eval and basically said it was just a developmental delay. Also, they said he's stubborn and much more interested in doing things by himself than having anyone help him. For the first four months, I kinda felt like I was wasting my money. The therapist would play toys with him and try to get him to mimic her. Basically, I paid $35 for someone else to play with him (the exact same way I did) for 30 minutes. Somewhere towards the end of the second month, Austin finally "got" the concept of talking and communication. PROGRESS!!! Still no more words or sounds, but he was rearranging the sounds he did know to better communicate his wants and needs.
I kept bringing up apraxia, grasping for some explanation as to why my kid still wasn't talking. However, since there was obviously no gross or fine motor delays they wouldn't go there.**** The best explanation they could come up with (other than the whole independence, ie. stubborn, thing) was all of his ear infections. He had a bad string of infections, even after the tube surgery, that occurred right around the time most kids are learning their basic sounds (B, P, M, D and vowels). He had Momma down and was pretty good with D sounds, but he couldn't get B, P or most vowel sounds.
Fast forward to 2 or 3 weeks ago....he's finally getting it. He has pretty much mastered B and P, though he's still not combining them with a vowel, and he is growing his M usage. Today he had his official speech evaluation (apparently this can't be done until 2 at the earliest, which really makes me feel like I wasted money the last four months) and he did pretty well. He tried all the sounds asked of him, and even said 2 new ones (N, W). The speech therapist has officially ruled out apraxia, as his speech mistakes were consistent.*****
So, that's where we stand. He's picking up a new work every few days now. (This week it's been Pop and something similar to Tick-tock Crock) He also loves to fill in a word or two when reading favorite books- particularly Max, claws and hot from Where the Wild Things Are. He's also started trying to mimic tone changes, which really helps us figure out what he's trying to say. Most of all, he seems proud of himself and his new skills. At his two year check his doctor said some kids don't hit their speech surge until between 2-2 1/2. Until then, we'll just keep working on it!
*Try telling my husband not to worry. Have you ever met him?!?
** I don't know a ton about it, but it's a condition where a child has difficulty forming sounds. Usually there is some motor delay involved as well.
*** This is why I LOVE our pediatrician. We go to a large group practice and initially I was turned off because I had somehow gotten on the track with the old men doctors and they made some mistakes. Then, thanks to Austin having a cold on the weekend, we found out current doctor. I see other people in the practice, but when I need advice, he's my go-to.
**** A child has to be 3 to get an actual diagnosis, but often times at 2 there is suspected apraxia and they can begin treating them.
***** Apparently a child with apraxia will be very inconsistent when forming sounds. They know what the sounds is, they just have difficulty grasping a hold of it and mix up sounds and letters.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Happy 2nd Birthday, Austin!
Happy 2nd Birthday my sweet boy!
I've started this letter several times over the last few days, but each time I got too emotional and had to stop. There have been a lot of tears these last few days. You have changed so much from last year, but I feel like the changes have much faster over the last two weeks
Last year, you were just starting to figure out the whole standing-walking thing. When you did figure out how to walk, you walked for maybe two days. Then you started to run, and you have been running full speed ever since. In fact, not only do you run like crazy, you climb, jump, spin, roll, tumble and do just about any other physical task one can think of. Once you started walking (running!) you started Little Gym and you have really thrived in all things gross motor.
In addition to the running/climbing/tumbling* you've also developed a love of basketball**. Orange balls (or any color, really) immediately catch your eye and have you throwing the ball over your head or into any basket/hole/hoop you find. Your Daddy and I bought you a new "big boy" basketball hoop for your birthday, so I can't wait to see you hone your skills.
The one downside to all your physical activity (besides the fact that you are exhausting sometimes...though I have become a much faster runner because of you) is that it has taken up most of your determination and attention. As a result, your speech has been a little behind. You would much rather figure things out yourself than ask for help and haven't seen the need for verbal communication. The basic words are there, but we're working on everything else. However, there have been drastic speech changes in the last two weeks, so hopefully you'll be running your mouth as fast as your legs soon.***
The one thing that hasn't changed from last year is your smiles and laughter. You really are one of the happiest little boys I have ever met. As this birthday has approached, we've slowly seen signs of the "terrible twos" creep in: tantrums, independence, stubbornness, etc. Most of the time, you're still pretty easy going.
You love to laugh. You love to run and jump and climb. You love your sister.**** You love music and singing and dancing. You love to cuddle, snuggle and smooch. You love airplanes. You love Jake and the Neverland Pirates. But most of all, you love life and all that it has to offer.
You are such an amazing little***** boy, and you have brought such joy and light into everyone you meet. You make me laugh every day, and I love you so very, very much.
Love always,
Mommy
*You can forward roll at the drop of a hat, and you love to use your skill. You've rolled on the couch, off the couch, on the floor, and even done a few diving rolls at Little Gym. You will also climb on and dive-off of anything.
** And only basketball. We've tried soccer, but you don't quite get the concept of kicking the ball. You seem to think it is much more efficient to run full speed and throw the ball into the goal.
*** Last night at dinner, you said, "MaMa!" and when I leaned over you looked right at me and said, "love you!" It was only the second time you've ever said the phrase and the first time you said it unprompted. Believe me, there were lots of tears. Lots.
****You think your sister hung the moon. You always want to be a part of whatever she is doing and she can make you laugh like no one else.
*****Who am I kidding with the "little" comment? You are a giant. Weighing in at 37lbs and wearing size 3-4T clothes, you are well above "little."
I've started this letter several times over the last few days, but each time I got too emotional and had to stop. There have been a lot of tears these last few days. You have changed so much from last year, but I feel like the changes have much faster over the last two weeks
Last year, you were just starting to figure out the whole standing-walking thing. When you did figure out how to walk, you walked for maybe two days. Then you started to run, and you have been running full speed ever since. In fact, not only do you run like crazy, you climb, jump, spin, roll, tumble and do just about any other physical task one can think of. Once you started walking (running!) you started Little Gym and you have really thrived in all things gross motor.
In addition to the running/climbing/tumbling* you've also developed a love of basketball**. Orange balls (or any color, really) immediately catch your eye and have you throwing the ball over your head or into any basket/hole/hoop you find. Your Daddy and I bought you a new "big boy" basketball hoop for your birthday, so I can't wait to see you hone your skills.
The one downside to all your physical activity (besides the fact that you are exhausting sometimes...though I have become a much faster runner because of you) is that it has taken up most of your determination and attention. As a result, your speech has been a little behind. You would much rather figure things out yourself than ask for help and haven't seen the need for verbal communication. The basic words are there, but we're working on everything else. However, there have been drastic speech changes in the last two weeks, so hopefully you'll be running your mouth as fast as your legs soon.***
The one thing that hasn't changed from last year is your smiles and laughter. You really are one of the happiest little boys I have ever met. As this birthday has approached, we've slowly seen signs of the "terrible twos" creep in: tantrums, independence, stubbornness, etc. Most of the time, you're still pretty easy going.
You love to laugh. You love to run and jump and climb. You love your sister.**** You love music and singing and dancing. You love to cuddle, snuggle and smooch. You love airplanes. You love Jake and the Neverland Pirates. But most of all, you love life and all that it has to offer.
You are such an amazing little***** boy, and you have brought such joy and light into everyone you meet. You make me laugh every day, and I love you so very, very much.
Love always,
Mommy
*You can forward roll at the drop of a hat, and you love to use your skill. You've rolled on the couch, off the couch, on the floor, and even done a few diving rolls at Little Gym. You will also climb on and dive-off of anything.
** And only basketball. We've tried soccer, but you don't quite get the concept of kicking the ball. You seem to think it is much more efficient to run full speed and throw the ball into the goal.
*** Last night at dinner, you said, "MaMa!" and when I leaned over you looked right at me and said, "love you!" It was only the second time you've ever said the phrase and the first time you said it unprompted. Believe me, there were lots of tears. Lots.
****You think your sister hung the moon. You always want to be a part of whatever she is doing and she can make you laugh like no one else.
*****Who am I kidding with the "little" comment? You are a giant. Weighing in at 37lbs and wearing size 3-4T clothes, you are well above "little."
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
Excuses, excuses.
Hi! Remember when I had a blog that I wrote in and posted pictures and stuff?
Yeah, me neither. Even my computer forgot, as I had to Googly myself just to find the blog because it no longer popped up when I started typing in the address. It's been almost a year since I wrote anything, and for that, I'm sorry. I have reasons, I promise.*
1) My computer is terrible.
It is old, slow and missing several keys. Do you know how often you use the letters A,W,S, and H? A
lot. We've talked about replacing it, but since we now have two iphones, an ipad, and a kindle fire, we
don't really need one. That, and, MacBooks are expensive and we don't want another PC. I was given a
keyboard for the ipad, but we all know how well technology and I get along, so I haven't figured out how
to use it yet.**
2) I am busy.
Somewhere around the last posting I started Mystery Shopping and I've been slowly increasing my shops.
The time I would normally be blogging is taken up by all the computer work involved with that. Abby is
also in school 5 days a week and still does Little Gym and soccer. Austin is in Little Gym and speech
therapy. *** We also have almost-weekly play dates. Add to that the fact that Abby no longer naps and
I only get an hour of quiet time a day, and you have a lot going on.
3) My son is exhausting.
Austin doesn't stop. Ever. He is constantly running, jumping, diving, flipping, rolling, and whatever other
method of motion he can come up with. I spend a large part of my day running after him and yelling, "No!
Get down! Freeze!"**** When I do get that hour a day of quiet, I usually do little more than lay on the
couch and re-caffeinate so I have energy for the afternoon. By the time the kids go to sleep, I am ready
to crash myself.
4) I got out of the habit.
It was Christmas when I stopped, and it's a busy time. Then Abby's preschool faced eviction and I threw
everything into finding a way to keep it open through the end of the school year. By that time it was May
and I hadn't written in months. I couldn't figure out how to just jump back in.
5) I have friends.
That sounds snarky. Or, perhaps pathetic? Anyway, let me explain. I started this blog when I moved to
Raleigh so I could keep my friends and family updated on the goings-on down here. At least, that's one
reason. The bigger reason was probably to give myself an outlet. I needed a place to vent and process
what was going on in my life, and this was it.
Around the time I stopped writing.I was in a whole new place. I won't get into it all as it's a post in and of
itself, but I was on a new antidepressant, had just graduated from my year of therapy after my little
postpartum thing, and I was really happy. I also had joined a group of mom's from Abby's preschool for
weekly playdates. Fast forward to now and these women have become more than Abby's friends' moms.
Our playdates are more for us than them***** and we have a monthly girl's night out. So, I didn't need to
write about what was going on in my life because I was actually talking to people about it.
All that being said, I miss writing. I didn't think anyone else really thought about this blog-thing, but I've had several people ask me why I stopped. I've also got two big birthdays coming up and letters to my children that need to be written. So, here I am. I'm going to try and make this a more regular thing again******
Stay tuned....
*Not good ones mind you, but reasons all the same.
** This post is brought to you, in part, by one Ms. Jenny Jones. Thank you!
***More on that to come.
****He doesn't listen, but I yell all the same.
***** I'm just being honest.
****** Someone please make my husband figure out the ipad/keyboard thing!
Yeah, me neither. Even my computer forgot, as I had to Googly myself just to find the blog because it no longer popped up when I started typing in the address. It's been almost a year since I wrote anything, and for that, I'm sorry. I have reasons, I promise.*
1) My computer is terrible.
It is old, slow and missing several keys. Do you know how often you use the letters A,W,S, and H? A
lot. We've talked about replacing it, but since we now have two iphones, an ipad, and a kindle fire, we
don't really need one. That, and, MacBooks are expensive and we don't want another PC. I was given a
keyboard for the ipad, but we all know how well technology and I get along, so I haven't figured out how
to use it yet.**
2) I am busy.
Somewhere around the last posting I started Mystery Shopping and I've been slowly increasing my shops.
The time I would normally be blogging is taken up by all the computer work involved with that. Abby is
also in school 5 days a week and still does Little Gym and soccer. Austin is in Little Gym and speech
therapy. *** We also have almost-weekly play dates. Add to that the fact that Abby no longer naps and
I only get an hour of quiet time a day, and you have a lot going on.
3) My son is exhausting.
Austin doesn't stop. Ever. He is constantly running, jumping, diving, flipping, rolling, and whatever other
method of motion he can come up with. I spend a large part of my day running after him and yelling, "No!
Get down! Freeze!"**** When I do get that hour a day of quiet, I usually do little more than lay on the
couch and re-caffeinate so I have energy for the afternoon. By the time the kids go to sleep, I am ready
to crash myself.
4) I got out of the habit.
It was Christmas when I stopped, and it's a busy time. Then Abby's preschool faced eviction and I threw
everything into finding a way to keep it open through the end of the school year. By that time it was May
and I hadn't written in months. I couldn't figure out how to just jump back in.
5) I have friends.
That sounds snarky. Or, perhaps pathetic? Anyway, let me explain. I started this blog when I moved to
Raleigh so I could keep my friends and family updated on the goings-on down here. At least, that's one
reason. The bigger reason was probably to give myself an outlet. I needed a place to vent and process
what was going on in my life, and this was it.
Around the time I stopped writing.I was in a whole new place. I won't get into it all as it's a post in and of
itself, but I was on a new antidepressant, had just graduated from my year of therapy after my little
postpartum thing, and I was really happy. I also had joined a group of mom's from Abby's preschool for
weekly playdates. Fast forward to now and these women have become more than Abby's friends' moms.
Our playdates are more for us than them***** and we have a monthly girl's night out. So, I didn't need to
write about what was going on in my life because I was actually talking to people about it.
All that being said, I miss writing. I didn't think anyone else really thought about this blog-thing, but I've had several people ask me why I stopped. I've also got two big birthdays coming up and letters to my children that need to be written. So, here I am. I'm going to try and make this a more regular thing again******
Stay tuned....
*Not good ones mind you, but reasons all the same.
** This post is brought to you, in part, by one Ms. Jenny Jones. Thank you!
***More on that to come.
****He doesn't listen, but I yell all the same.
***** I'm just being honest.
****** Someone please make my husband figure out the ipad/keyboard thing!
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