Powerless.

When I started writing again I thought it was just because of the kids birthdays, but now I'm thinking it was my subconscious warning me of what was to come.

I've felt myself slipping back over the last couple of weeks, and I've tried hard to fight it off. I've spent time with friends through girls night, play dates and even made a trip to Richmond to help one of my best friends get ready for her twins. I've tried to sleep and eat well. I've tried to do lots of fun activities with my kids. None of it worked.

So, today, here I am, in the hole that is a depressive episode. My first one in a year.

I'm pretty sure I've been dealing with this for most of my adult life, but over the last two years, I've taken it head on. And it's weird, because it kinda feels different this time. Having gone through a long dark period and come out of it, having had an entire year with no more than a crabby day or two, I can look at this one and know what is going on.  But, I still feel powerless against it.

I know that what is going on right now is due to my neurotransmitters and synapses being off.

I know that I have two amazing kids and a husband that love me very much.

I know that I am a good mother.

I know that I have lots of family and friends that enjoy who I am, and who love and support me.

I know that, depression-wise, I could be in a lot worse shape, and that my case is pretty mild.

I know that, overall, I have a pretty good life.

Right now, I just am having a really hard time believing these things.  Right now, I am short tempered and tired.  Right now, I cry a lot.  I feel like there is a giant heavy blanket on me, like at the dentist, and I can't take it off*

Fortunately, the most important thing I know is that this is temporary.  I don't know how long it will last, but I do know it will go away.  At some point (in the not-so-distant future), I will believe these things again. Until then, I'll just keep plugging along.  I wandered the mall for an hour this morning, just so Austin could ride the train.  I'll take Abby to Little Gym tonight.  Tomorrow is Halloween, so there will be plenty to keep me distracted and focused.  I'll put on a smile for my kids, and eventually, it won't be a fake one.

* I have to credit Valerie for this description in her blog.  It it so accurate, I couldn't think of any other way to describe it.  On that note, another blog I've read a bunch that also has a lot of great posts on this subject is The Bloggess.  I highly recommend both, not just for their tales of depression and anxiety, but also for their humor and other entertaining reads.  I've learned so much from reading these ladies, I can only hope that my sharing can help someone two.